Oh Christ.

So guess who decided to finally make an appearance? Yep, Aunt Flo has finally arrived. Ugh. Not ugh in a bad way, just ugh meaning.....I'm just tired of the drama my period brings with it. Oh well. It's here now, and I can relax until last month.

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I've gotten back into writing recently, not only in this blog but creative writing. Nerdy writing. Role playing....Harry Potter style? Ha. I'm such a geek, but I make no apologies for it. I'd hate to be one of those people who go through life taking themselves so seriously. Those people irritate me. What do they do when they wake up at the age of eighty and realize they've wasted their lives worrying about what others think? I'm glad I won't have that worry.

So back to the topic at hand. My creative juices (ha, so dirty) are flowing again, and I'm actually starting to take some joy in my new character. I've always worried that my original character I began playing with, would never be able to be topped or equaled to her level of depth. I put three years into that character. A lot of time, dedication, careful plotting and planning, and then being able to write her in a way that did her justice to the way I percieved her. My new character is beginning to feel the same for me. Her character building is bringing me the same satisfaction that I've lost once I put my original away. It's a good feeling to have something of your own. I created it, I gave it life, it lives and breathes within me, and flows through my hands onto paper or onto my computer screen and becomes real. It's a part of me, something no one can ever take from me.

It's comforting.

Rants

I really don't understand my body.

So the period ended up coming last month on the 5th of April, a whole week late, and then lasted for an awful nine days. Now, I'm a day late on my period again. I spotted once yesterday, suffered what felt like super gas in my abdomen on Sunday (which is completely normal with my periods), and today absolutely nothing, except nausea. Nausea isn't completely abnormal with my periods either as I tend to feel pretty pukey when I get gas/cramps.

I just wish I could be one of those women that could endure a normal period, for a normal amount of days, and get on with my life. This up and down game of anticipating periods, anxiety, and that annoying little voice in the back of my head that always questions pregnancy, is really starting to take it's toll on me. I'm not trying to get pregnant. I would prefer TB and I to be married, be closer to my mom, but everytime I question the idea, a part of me builds up this excitement, and suddenly I'm looking at baby sites, and thinking about pinks and blues, and I just crash when my period eventually does show up.

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TB's father passed away last week. To make an incredibly long story short, he had a massive heart attack, followed by quadruple bypass surgery, and never came out of it. TB was pretty much estranged from his father for his own reasons, but we ended up driving from Nashville, TN all the way up to Wichita, KS for the funeral. Thirteen hour drives are not fun, let me tell you, and especially unbearable driving through the flatness that is Kansas. I had the privilage of finally meeting the other side of TB's family whom are Native American, and so warm and welcoming.

TB's doing well. He's tired, and he's not talking about his father much. I don't know whether to contribute that to the fact that he just wasn't very close to his father, and therefore doesn't have much to say, or to the point that it was his father and losing a parent in itself is just heart altering. Maybe it's both. I've never lost a parent. I don't know how to help him other than just talk to him, and hold his hand when he wants to just sit quietly.

Sometimes I feel completely useless.